Here’s a thought; there are three types of compliments. Here are examples of each:
"I like your dress"
"That is a nice dress"
"That dress looks nice on you"
There’s a subtle difference between the three. The first one is complimentary to yourself, it indicates you made an observation about a dress. The second is complimentary to that specific dress. While the third example is complimentary to the woman. If you’ve ever noticed, the first 2 are more often used because it takes the pressure from us; it gives us room to ‘back out’ in case the person takes it the wrong way, or other people don’t agree. At the same time, the first 2 also loses much of the impact on the woman receiving the compliment because it is not directed at her.
I’ve always been of the opinion that one should be bold and clear in communication. You want to be direct and let her know that she looks good. Regardless of the dress, you truly appreciate her; you’re just using the dress as a way to let her know. Simply saying ‘you’re beautiful’ is nice the first time and maybe even the second time but if you want to truly create an appealing vibe about yourself, you have to be creative in complimenting her in different ways. Remember, a good compliment does not focus on you, nor the object…
a good an effective compliment focuses on the recipient
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If you’ve been single for a while, it’s pretty natural to want to change that, to find someone to share a relationship with. What might seem less natural, however, is that really wanting to be in a relationship might just be the one thing that stops you from ever finding one. Let’s take a second to think about that properly. I’m talking about when you reach the state when you feel like you need to be in a relationship, or that being in a relationship will fix a lot of other problems in your life. Maybe you’ve been single for months, or years, or maybe the opposite – you start new relationships as soon as old ones end, never letting yourself stay single for long. Either way, you might be suffering from the same problem: you’re not happy being single.
Being unhappy to be single might seem natural and sensible enough to some, but I’m going to try to explain why that’s mistaken. I’ll also explain how this affects more than just your happiness while you’re on your own – it can have a serious detrimental effect on your ability to start relationships, and your ability to make them last once they’ve started. Long story short: if you hate being single, or think a relationship would be some magical cure-all, then you’re just likely to stay single even longer, and will struggle to form meaningful, long-lasting relationships.
There’s nothing in itself wrong with wanting a relationship, especially these days, when the drive to find a partner has been the basis of a major plot point in most films and TV shows over the years. Pop culture constantly sends us the message that it’s better to be in a couple than not, that you’ll be happier in a couple, and even that you’re somehow a failure if you’re single. Finding a girlfriend has become a sign of success as a man, another accomplishment along the lines of a well-paid job or a decent apartment. And this is where the problem starts: getting a girlfriend stops being a personal choice, something that might suit different people at different times, or even not at all for some. Instead, those who are single are deficient, they’ve failed at some task that others have succeeded at.
If you find yourself getting frustrated at yourself for being single, or see yourself as a failure, you might be suffering from this. You might have started to think that beginning a relationship will fix some of the other perceived faults in your life, as the failures in your love life start to seem a lot bigger than they really are. In hunting for an explanation for your continued single status, you might latch onto all sorts of aspects of your personality and lifestyle that you can blame for your failures, leading to pointless and unhelpful self-criticism. Basically, you let the simple fact that you’re single be enough to drive you to misery.
To make things worse, this problem is utterly self-perpetuating, because it obstructs your attempts to find a girlfriend, keeping you single, and thus extending the unhappiness and overly critical mindset. To understand why, think of one simple word: ‘desperation’. When you think finding a girlfriend is one of the most important things in your life, people can tell, because you seem desperate. Suddenly you’re that guy who keeps ‘jokingly’ asking how many girls there will be at a party. You’re the guy who just keeps talking a little too intensely to girls you’ve just met, or even makes a point of talking to just about every single girl you can find. You might keep making self-deprecating jokes about how single you are, or maybe you avoid the topic of relationships altogether. You might latch onto any friendliness from a girl as a sign of romantic interest and hover around her all night. You might not even be aware you’re doing all of this, or if you are aware, you don’t think other people have noticed. I’m afraid I have some bad news for you: they have. Worst of all, the very girls you’re trying to flirt with have noticed more than anyone else, and they aren’t impressed. There aren’t many traits less attractive than desperation, and it’s almost guaranteed to put girls off.
So maybe you got lucky, or maybe you’re a bit better at hiding your desperation than most. Maybe you’re just such a great guy that someone was willing to look past your desperation to see the charming heart throb within. But you’re not in the clear yet. You’ve got to keep this relationship going, and that might not be as simple as you think. The main reason for this is that your desperation and your attitudes have made you selfish. You entered the relationship not out of a joy in spending time with your partner, but because you wanted something. And that’s going to continue. For you, the relationship is all about what you can get out of it. Your girlfriend will have to be there for you, but you won’t always think about being there for her. After all – in your fantasy of a relationship, you probably weren’t thinking about all the things you’d have to do for her, all the things you might give up. So you aren’t ready for them, but of course you expect them from her.
As you can imagine, there’s only so long a relationship can last with this sort of inequality. You can’t go into one thinking about yourself, you’ve got to think about what you can share with your partner, what you can do for each other. If you just want a woman to fit into your life as it currently is, you might have a nasty surprise when it turns out that she has her own life, and she isn’t likely to drop everything for you.
Unfortunately, the only real solution is to be single, and to stop caring. That isn’t to say that you give up on ever having a relationship. Rather, you learn to enjoy being on your own, to enjoy being single. No one needs a relationship, and if you think that you do, then you’re not ready for one. The best relationships come from two people who are happy in their own lives, but want to share them with someone else. You should want to be together, not need to.
Now, being happy with yourself doesn’t mean you have to love every bit of yourself. Recognising legitimate flaws is an important part of this process, and working to improve them can give you the self-confidence that you need. What matters is that you don’t decide to work out to get a girl, but rather you decide to do it because you’d rather be a bit slimmer, or more muscular. Improve yourself for your own sake, not because you think it’ll get you a girl. Your poorly defined abs aren’t what is keeping you single, most women honestly won’t care that much. But if working on them will give you more confidence in yourself, then go for it – just don’t hang your relationship prospects on a few gym sessions.
Take the time to build your interests and discover new hobbies. Socialize with your friends, without the pressure to hook up with anyone. You might find that you have more fun, and they have more fun with you, when you’re just out to enjoy yourself. And guess what? If you find yourself talking to a cute girl and you’re just enjoying talking to her, with no ulterior motive, she’s that much more likely to enjoy talking to you too.
It might sound a bit paradoxical: to find a girlfriend, stop caring about finding one. But it really isn’t. I’m not saying you have to want to be single, just that you have to be happy being single, to stop thinking that you need a girlfriend. And then you just might find one. So stop worrying about finding the perfect girl, and just think about making yourself a better guy – and try to enjoy doing it.
Original Article is here:
When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” - Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
Here’s how to do it….guys, stop sucking at conversation. There’s a reason why your discussions always bleed dry. There’s a reason why you suck at talking to girls.
Learn this and apply this.
The excerpt below comes from a book published in 1875: A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette by Cecil B. Hartley. Hartley’s rules may be over 100 years old, but they’re just as true today as they ever were. There are some real gems here.
1. Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dexterously turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry…Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an opinion but as a law, will defend their position by such phrases, as: “Well, if I were president, or governor, I would,” — and while by the warmth of their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly competent to take charge of the government of the nation.
2. Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavor to force others to agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a gentleman.
3. Never interrupt anyone who is speaking; it is quite rude to officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette is to anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced.
4. It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are tired of the speaker or his subject.
5. In a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation.
6. Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which is your own specialty is low-bred and vulgar. Make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of place as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be grave or gay as suits the time or place.
7. In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when the speakers have lost their temper.
8. Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a group, and endeavor to draw him out of the circle of general conversation to talk with you alone.
9. A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind is generally modest. He may feel when in everyday society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to the feelings and opinions of others.
10. It is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest and attention, as it is to speak well. To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed to good society.
11. Never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn from a group. If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing them, you may, with perfect propriety, change your seat.
12. Make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent with the subject under consideration, and avoid long speeches and tedious stories. If, however, another, particularly an old man, tells a long story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully until he has finished, before you speak again.
13. Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself.
14. If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of folly and self-conceit.
15. In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting them with the vices of another.
16. Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny.
17. The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a more modest part.
18. Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste.
19. Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity.
20. Speak your own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great a stickler for formal correctness of phrases.
21. Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word or look such errors in those around you is excessively ill-bred.
22. If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical terms. They are in bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, however, you unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit the still greater error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you for thus implying their ignorance.
23. In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with strict attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. Above all, do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or blunders. If you understand his language, say so when you first speak to him; this is not making a display of your own knowledge, but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his own language when in a strange country.
24. Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will soon become known as the “funny” man of the party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure and bad ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt.
25. Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at your command is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly quoting, “my friend, Gov. C ,” or, “my intimate friend, the president,” is pompous and in bad taste.
26. While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gayety to grave discussions.
27. When thrown into the society of literary people, do not question them about their works. To speak in terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation from their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove that you have read and appreciated them.
28. It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign language.
29. To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly.
30. If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bitterly repent when they were once said.
31. “Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged” is a vulgar but popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend’s closet, but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to a third party.
32. If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, “When I was in Paris,” or, “In Italy I saw…”
33. When asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, “Who is that awkward, ugly girl?” and be answered, “Sir, that is my daughter.”
34. Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly despicable.
35. Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody will thank you for it.
36. Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking you have no other conversation.
37. A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into good humor.
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There was once a time when men used to be real men. When they dressed with style, when they had a certain honor code they followed that involved treating not only their elders and each other with respect, but women alike. Unfortunately, those days are far- gone — a thing of the past. What we have now is… to be quite honest, I’m not sure.
There are of course certain men out there who still have their affairs in order, but we are few in number. What people are most often subject to is the company of boys who are refusing to grow up and man up — boys who prefer to play with their toys than to do their part in bettering society, the human race and the world as a whole. These poor excuses for men have the bodies of adults and the mentalities, as well as the social outlook of toddlers. Horny toddlers, but toddlers nonetheless.
It’s all about character — or in this case, the lack of character. Something has been happening during this era dubbed the “information age.” Social media platforms have taken away the need to interact face to face, taking away the need for actual interaction. This is great in many regards: you can now keep in touch with friends and family all over the world from a handheld device.
However, much of the interpersonal confrontations are now also taking place online. People no longer feel that they have a need to meet in person to discuss their differences; they can now troll each other online. People are using the Internet as a shield, hiding behind IP addresses in order to speak their minds. The Internet acts like beer-muscles. It makes you believe that you are stronger than you actually are, making you more aggressive. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive when circumstances require it.
Personally, when my fight or flight response mechanism kicks in, I always go with fight. It’s not by choice; it’s just the way that I am wired. Online, people have no need to run away because they are already in hiding — so they always choose to “fight.” Although the fighting they do is just about as significant as the fighting I do when I play Call of Duty.
The same interaction from beneath cover can be seen when we look at the intercommunication between men and women. It is no secret that both men and women alike have sexual urges. Men, however, feel the need to get off more often than most women. So instead of having to spend the time to meet a real woman and have actual sexual intercourse, they watch porn.
Instead of going out into the real world and meeting women, they stalk women on Instagram. People now date online as well. It’s much easier to talk to a woman online than it is in person—or rather, it’s not that it’s easier. Both are just as easy, but for some reason, men now prefer to hide their faces behind their monitors. (Every time I use the term ‘men’ in such context I quiver) It’s out of fear and laziness. Men have become lazy pussies. I don’t even want to use the word pussy because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men.
Generation-Y is the instant gratification generation. We want what we want right at the moment we figure out that we want it. We are willingly giving up one of the most important things in life: the waiting period. Having to wait and having to deal with our urges and wants without instantly having them satisfied is what builds character and is what we are now lacking in this fast-paced age.
If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. If we want sex, we masturbate. If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.
Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment.
We never really feel that we are missing out on something because we no longer give things much importance. Jackie never got back to your text message? I’m sure you have several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to f*ck — once. Then you’ll get bored and move on to the next one. Men treat women like interchangeable commodities. I do believe that most men still hope to one day fall in love and settle down. But none of them will unless they change their way of thinking and living.
Being focused on self-satisfaction will lead to nothing but broken relationships. Real men are not selfish. Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness. Real men have a well-defined code of ethics and respect that they follow.
How can anyone call himself a man if the last time he had to confront another man — whether it be over a social incident or for business purposes — was before he hit puberty? If you don’t have the twiddle-diddles to approach a woman at a bar in person and have a proper, intellectual conversation, making the woman feel respected and comfortable, then move over for the real men.
It’s awful because women are becoming accustomed to such boys and believing that these pansies are all that is left of our sex. Some great women are settling for these fools and then finding that they themselves have no choice but to wear the pants in the family because their “man” is PMSing. All I can hope for is that the law of evolution will see the world rid of these weaklings, these characterless, hopeless pseudo-men.
Ladies… real men do exist; there aren’t many of us, but we’re survivors and will be around for a while. Come find us.
Pleasing a guy is like running a race. Guys have a start, they have a clear and definite finish.
Pleasing a woman kind of never ends. They are like a game of Bop-It with various switches and toggles. What is more, there is no upper limit, there is no “end;” things just keep going and going, faster and faster until you can’t keep up and the game ends. There is no finish line, just a high score you can beat.
Strength, conviction, and purpose are things that every man must enjoy.
There is no person that can’t respect me. However, I don’t expect to be respected by every person that walks the earth and I have no desire to be a perfect anything. I simply wish to make the visions in my mind a reality. Many men wish only this but the path to being the man that he wants to be isn’t without challenges!
Boys, understand this: life isn’t made to give you anything! It isn’t, it’s made to test your resolve at every turn to keep your feet rooted in the ‘semper paratus’ (always ready) that keeps your path more direct and sure to whatever ends you may have. People aren’t to be feared or even really something to concern yourself over in such away that you let worry or fear grip you; instead of fearing a person, understand and empathize with them so as to build a connection and draw their strength - after all, they are feared people for some reason, why not learn from them? Understand that you will need people in your life to get you to where you want to be. You should embrace people that scare you so that you don’t overlook the things that can lead you towards your dream, towards shaping the world in ways that instill courage within you, and challenge you to take greater steps towards your ambitions. To achieve these things with great love and success, you need the right mindset. One that recognizes life isn’t a place that is bad, instead, know that life is not a place without battles. You should prepare yourself to meet challenges with vigourous ferocity.
When I want something, I go after it and never accept a back handed attack to limit my results. In doing this, I have discovered the true nature of people who became successful by a sound heart and those who made a mountain upon cowardly passions. When I attack the defensive, they cry…’Why are you attacking me?’ as they run away to avoid the issue. They talk about being tough or busy or the problem not being a real priority; but when you meet them head on, they run and hide behind anything they can to protect themselves. On the other hand, there are some people, that you meet them eye to eye, they hold their ground. I can respect that… What I can’t respect, and what women don’t respect are cowards. You will never see a good woman beside a man who runs when challenged for cover.
Women want the exception to the rule. The man who loves defiantly, lives to be the highest standard of physical, mental, and unselfish strength. Those are the men who women truly love and desire. The ones that make women satisfied in more universal ways. Men who are prepared and willing to fight on behalf of their values in anyway because they believe in themselves. These are the men with just reasons who really impact women in positive ways.
Be this man, and be the exception.
Guys, I cannot emphasize this enough: please don’t be so fast to supplicate. Respect yourself more than to give yourself wholly to someone. Make sure they’ve earned it - you wouldn’t give away your money or belongings for free, would you? So why would you give your emotions/efforts/energy for free?
It’s not only about what you bring to the table, it’s what she brings to the table too. You, being the evolved male, should have a good grasp of what you bring to the table, if you don’t, you can start reading here. At the same time, you should never feel bad about considering what she brings to the table for you. You’ve worked hard to earn your keep, she should to. And if you can find someone who shares the same mentality as you, it’ll surely be a flourishing relationship of ongoing growth and development.
Don’t exacerbate the vicious cycle of:
1. Guy throws himself at girl
2. Girl rejects guy
3. Other guy throws himself at girl
4. Girl rejects other guy
Intrigue her, question her, teach her, challenge her…just don’t give everything to her. She’ll appreciate you much more for it.
Part 5: Social Qualities
Let’s start with something really basic: you like pleasant people; you’re enjoy the company of people who make you feel comfortable and in turn, you are more receptive to pleasant people. Now, I want to be clear of one thing: being pleasant is NOT being nice (Why Nice Guys are Losers and Being Nice is Mediocre). Being overly nice is supplicating yourself so as to seek approval from those around you; being kind is being genuine in your words and actions so that the people around you get that sense of honesty and good feel from you. The point is: you want to be kind.
Having a pleasant disposition relates to kindness, but more specifically, focuses on how you conduct yourself through positive and negative experiences. People love sharing their stories, whether positive or negative, with those around them. How you react and make them feeling about sharing their stories with you will significantly impact how they see you. If someone is sharing a story about a positive experience, you want to reinforce those feelings by asking more questions and showing interest in their story. It allows them the chance to talk more about something they’re clearly happy about. At the same time, you’re showing interest in them.
If someone is sharing a story about a negative experience, it’s usually best to remain at a neutral position. Don’t agree or disagree with them until you have established proper rapport and comfort level with them. You can establish rapport with them, again, by asking questions and showing interest in their experience. You can usually tell when rapport is established by body language: the speaker will square their shoulders to you, face your direction and eye contact. Once you have that connection with the speaker, you can offer your opinion on the matter, whether reinforcing or disagreeing with them. And from there…that’s a conversation.
Simon Cowell is a great example of someone with a pleasant disposition. It is quite evident that his words can be harsh when he’s telling hopeful singers that they are terrible, however, when he does have a positive observation, he really conveys his passion and positivity to his audience. What makes Simon great is the fact that whether he is offering good or bad feedback, he is able to do so effectively with his wonderful choice of words.
In a relationship, a guy has to be impervious to her bad moods. He has to be positive and supportive in the ugly face of ‘bitchiness.’ He has to demonstrate that he cares deeply for her emotional security and happiness when adversity threatens her. The reassurance she needs will come from his words and actions.
He has to know when disagreement and correction is necessary. Sometimes, a simple ‘you’re wrong, but here’s how we can fix this’ can be incredibly wonderful to hear because it allows the man to guide her through her faults and help her work through them. At other times, ‘you’re right, let’s do it again’ can really bring a her mood up because he’s recognizing her positive traits and acknowledging her worth is incredibly fulfilling for her.
Guys, the last piece of advice I can leave with you is this: don’t ask her what’s wrong more than 3 times if you feel something off about her mood. Asking once and then leaving it alone will probably get you a ‘why don’t you care more about me?!’ While asking more than 3 times will just annoy the f*ck out of her. Three times is good because most people will say ‘nothing’ the first time, the second time, they might open up a bit because you’re taking another shot at it and she feels that’s you’re picking up on her emotions. On the third time, she’ll likely open up (warning: once the floodgates are open, you better know how to swim). But if it’s still ‘nothing’ after the third time, you were probably wrong - just let it go. She’ll come around soon enough. Remember, girls are emotional, they need more time than guys to work through their feelings. You need to give them time to do that, but at the same time, you need to have a pleasant disposition to reinforcement improvement and resolution.
Part 2: Emotional Stability
3. Mutual Attraction
People have to be somewhat attracted to you for them to like you. People have to be someone drawn to you to respect your opinions. They don’t always have to agree with you, but they are receptive. Attraction goes beyond just romantic attraction, it’s possible to be platonically attracted to someone.
Being attracted to someone is easy. It could be that good-looking guy/girl who catches your attention on the street; you would be attracted to their appearance. It could be a professor giving a lecture about a certain subject matter you enjoy; you would be attracted to their mind and knowledge. It could be a motivational speaker who inspires; you would be attracted to that person’s demeanour and how they make the audience feels. Being attracted to someone is easy because you know what you’re drawn to. You know what catches your attention; you know what your eyes desire and what your brain admires.
Being attractive, on the other hand, is a bit trickier. Most people would presume that being attractive is only about appearance, it’s not…trust me on this one. I may not be the best looking guy out there, but I’m damn sure I’m attractive.
It isn’t about looking the best or knowing the most, it’s not about having the most money or speaking the loudest. Being attractive is a state of mind, it’s a perception of yourself and then imposing that perception upon the world around you. When you think you are attractive, you become more attractive; it will show in your demeanour, attitude and how you interact with people.
Going beyond visual attraction, you have to look at what you mean to the audience/girl. Why should they/she be attracted to you? What makes you special and stand out from the rest of the mediocre guys? Before you can expect to be adored by the people around you, you first must determine why they should. It is a self analysis of what makes you attractive. It will be a humbling experience because you will surely see your shortfalls, at the same time, you should not be discouraged because you will see your strengths as well.
I often take time to self-reflect on what I bring to the table for the people around me. It would be dangerous for me to only look at my strengths and ignore my weaknesses, so I take careful consideration of both. I am always looking towards others for feedback on what needs to be improved and how to do it. Always be receptive of feedback.
Your acquaintances will tell you what you want to hear, your friends will tell you what you need to hear.
On the other hand, when people are asking of your opinion, show interest in what they ask of you. They wouldn’t be asking you unless they respected your thoughts, so you should give them the mutual respect of your attention.
Mutual respect and interest are the keys to being attractive
That’s right, ladies and gentlemans, respect and interest are important things to being attractive. Having respect for your audience shows that you are receptive of them without judgement and prejudice; they should have no fear of judgement, so they are able to share deeper, intimate thoughts with you. Showing interest in them involves asking questions to find out more about them. Let’s face it, people love talking about themselves - the more you ask about them, the more they’ll feel your interest in them, gaining your trust. The on-going reciprocation of having interest and knowing more about each other…this attraction. Caring and showing interest in others, this is how you build attraction.