The Evolved Male

I’ve known her for almost 13 years. She was my best friend in high school and was always there for me. She was always kind to me when I was down, and always there to help when I needed.

A year ago, she invited me to an out-of-town trip to celebrate her birthday. It was to be a great celebration with many of our close friends. I told her beforehand that I would definitely attend. Come the day of the event, I did not show - the reason that I did not show is justifiable but not important. The fact is that I told her I would be there and I wasn’t. And for over a year, I have put off apologizing to her. Tonight, I apologize.

As the previous year progressed, there were accountabilities and responsibilities that were put upon me and I kept putting her off. These are not justifiable reasons for waiting a year to speak to her. I suppose it was a matter of not being able to have that tough conversation with her. Ya know those tough conversations that you know are gonna suck, or the ones that really forces you to step back and learn the multitudes of humility. This is one of them.

In retrospect, I was an idiot. I’ve known her for over 10 years - this shouldn’t be a difficult conversation to have. It was a matter of me simply owning up to my mistake. And as I write this, I can’t help but feel stupid, I mean really stupid to the point where I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for not owning up to my actions. All it would have taken was a simple phone or a text message to schedule a meetup. Of course, I did eventually, but what I’m disappointed about is waiting so long to do so.

I don’t think the conversation will go badly tonight, in fact, I’m sure things will be much better after. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that people will forgive, but they will never forget.

Guys, there’s an important lesson to be learned here: always have those tough conversations. Never ever put them off. The longer you put off having those tough conversations, the more painful it will be, and even in some scenarios….it might be just too damn late, trust me, I know.

At any given point in time, I’m quite sure that everyone has a ‘tough conversation’ to face. Do yourself and those you love a favour, take action now and have that face-to-face with that person you care about. Do the right thing and do it now…before it’s too late.

Be not afraid to face the consequences for your actions. Be brave in your discord, rather than cowardly in your comfort. Be a better person today.

They will love and appreciate you for it.

Don’t do it. It makes you look desperate. It makes you look pathetic. And frankly, it’s a really sad way of supplication. Just don’t do it. What is One-upmanship?

This past week, a female friend of mine got into into a dispute with her boyfriend. Here’s the story. She partakes in weekly sports activities on a regular basis - sports are a pretty big part of her life. He insisted on watching her at a few of these events, however, she declined because she did not feel comfortable having an audience, also because none of the other competitors had an audience watching. For her, she just felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable having an audience. For him, he wanted to spend time with her, he just wanted to see her - how sweet, right? Now, normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. He asks, she says no - okay cool, maybe next time? Or conversely, he asks, she says yes - okay still cool.

Instead, the conversation basically went as follows (and this is based on visual evidence, so I could not make this up):

Girl: I just don’t feel comfortable having people watch me play sports
Guy: Well, I don’t feel comfortable feeling like you’re hiding me and not wanting me around, I just want to see you and spend time with you
Girl: I don’t think it’s fair that you’re pressuring me to say yes
Guy: I don’t think it’s fair that you’re stressing me out and I can’t sleep

And on and on the pattern goes - you’re starting to see the pattern, right?

When you get in the pattern of ‘one-upping’ someone, it makes you look desperate. If you’re saying things just for the sake of saying something just to trump someone else, it makes you look you’re needing something. It’s like you’re trying to qualify yourself to the audience. To you, it might seem like you’re controlling the conversation or you’re leading it, to others, you seem like a needy drip. Instead of always having the need to talk…just listen. Listen to what your counterparts are saying. Take the time to absorb and comprehend what they’re trying to convey. When you do this, you can take a moment to form your thoughts and your own relevant points so you can actually contribute to the conversation instead of just saying something for the sake of saying it.

Conversation isn’t competition. It’s an exchange - it’s about listening to your audience and reciprocating with your ideas. Yes, at times there will be difference of opinions and rebuttals but only relevant points should be brought up to support your existing discussions - don’t bring sh*t up just for the sake of bringing it up.

So you’ve gone on a few first dates. Sometimes, you get a second one, but for the most part, you don’t get a call or you’re gently rejected when you ask for a second date. In your eyes, things go well on the first date and you’re anticipating your second date…but it doesn’t happen.

 If you find yourself looking for a second date but you’re being ignored until they disappear, it’s probably you. In fact, it is you. Actually, to blame anyone else but yourself is just lame. Why? Because to look to anyone/anything else isn’t taking accountability. And if you don’t take accountability, who will?

Here are some thoughts….both from experience, observations and failed dates (sorry girls, the bad is mine).

YOU WERE CHEAP
Though it is nice that you believe in equality for women, the truth is that most, if not all, women expect you to PAY ON THE FIRST DATE. And if you’re going to bitch and whine about how expensive the restaurant was then perhaps you should choose a more reasonably priced place. 

The point is that women view CHEAP MEN in a very negative fashion because it not only says that you don’t like to spend money - it also indicates that you may be cheap in other departments of your life. 

You pay on the first date, even if she offers, say no, and pay the entire bill. And if you don’t want to spend too much money, then perhaps your first date should take place at a cafe. If she still insists on paying (it’s a test by the way - so you better not fail) try this: you pay for the bill itself, but tell her to give tip. Personally, I think this is a fair compromise. It shows that you’re not cheap, but at the same time, it shows you’re a little more liberated than to insist on paying for the entire bill. Remember, even though she insists that you pay for the first date, you can still show that you’re enough of an evolved male to understand equality and chivalry.

YOU GOT TOO DRUNK (SH*TFACED, SHMAMMERED, WASTED)
Really?! Do I really have to tell you this? The answer is yes. This is the mother of all f*ck ups. What the hell were you thinking getting wasted and getting overly stupid? Even on a tenth date, it wouldn’t be acceptable!

A guy who cannot handle his liquor is a man that no woman (or anyone) wants to be around. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who can maintain a great demeanor when they drink. In fact, some people function better under the influence…this is directed to those who can’t.

Drink slowly, eat your food, and enjoy a good conversation. And if you just drink out of habit and not because it’s alcohol, then order a bottle of water to go with.

I’m not saying that you have to stay dry all night, in fact, alcohol is a good idea. After all, alcohol is ‘courage in a bottle’ for you and likely for her. It’s great for loosening up and dropping defenses. However, if you drink to the point where you’re clearly acting the fool, being obnoxious, not walking properly, etc etc, then you’ve gone too far. Keep an eye on her body language - suddenly crossing her arms, not making eye contact, shoulders turned away from you, legs crossed and pointed away from you. These are all signs of defensive body language. If she’s exhibiting any of these, you’re doing it wrong. And….if you think you need alcohol to function better - well, then dating is clearly not your biggest problem.

YOU TRIED TO GET HER DRUNK (SH*TFACED, SHMAMMERED, WASTED)
Not only is this a major turn off, it might come off as cowardly. Not only will you make her nervous if you keep insisting that she drink more, you will likely never see her again because she’ll think of you as the creepy guy who thinks she’ll be a sure thing if she’s wasted.

Remember the defensive body language I described previously? Keep an eye out for it when you offer drinks. If she gets the remote impression that you have an ulterior motive to getting her drunk - you’re done. Remember, this is the first date. You should hardly know each other…and if your intention is to pursue a relationship with this person, getting them wasted on the first date can either be really good (makes for great stories?) or really bad.

Offer politely, don’t take ‘no’ personally, and most importantly, REMEMBER THE PREVIOUS GUIDELINE - that guideline goes both ways. If she gets wasted to the point where she can’t walk, it’s your responsibility. Just like she doesn’t want to be burdened by your lack of control, you probably don’t want to be burdened by hers. Be the evolved male, know where the limit is, get there and cruise from there.

YOU WERE TOO INTERESTED
She’ll likely smile when you tell her head is proportional to her body. She’ll appreciate that you think she’s beautiful. But if you say it more than once and she’ll be turned off.

Girls like to complimented, who doesn’t? But it’s a complete turn off to be overwhelmed with empty compliments - it’s downright cheesy for a guy to over-compliment a girl. Moderate your compliments, let her know what you appreciate but remember that she doesn’t need know everything you appreciate. Be so bold as to tell her why you felt the need to let her know - it shows character and thought rather than just superficiality.

For example, you could compliment her on how her earrings match her other accessories. She’ll blush and be flattered that you notice. Then you could go one step further and tell her that you noticed because her earrings happen to be your favourite colour…and that pink has a significant meaning to you. And that you like pink flowers because… (you know what I mean). If it’s interesting enough, she’ll carry the conversation by asking why pink is your favourite colour or why you have a thing for pink flowers. And if she’s asking questions, she’s showing interest!

Make any mention of the future, marriage or children, and she’ll be running faster than a fat kid after an ice cream truck. Remember:
a) this is the first date
b) that kind of crazy conversation is for the crazily desperate who are reaching deep

Keep the conversation light and interesting, and don’t dwell into anything that remotely resembles a commitment beyond a second date. If you do talk about the future, don’t be too heavy. Use humour to buffer and to get a reaction to see where she’s at in the conversation. If she doesn’t respond positively, it’s time to change topics.

Conversely, if she starts getting into marriage, what to name your kids, how to pay for the house, etc, it’s a red flag - proceed with caution if you’re ready for that. She might be testing you - she might be crazy. If you show your discomfort, she’ll know. Keep your cool, change the topic, and create a distraction (order drinks/food).

YOU GOT TOO SEXUAL TOO FAST
So she wore a low-cut top with ridiculously tight fitting jeans. Maybe she went with the short skirt that leaves little to the imagination. Either way, it’s your right to glance, but not stare. Remember, you are the evolved male - you are beyond deeper than simple superficiality. You’re smarter than to fall for simple tricks like that. No one will fault you for letting her know what you appreciate, but don’t overdo it.

What’s the alternative to staring at her chest? Eye-contact. You’ll score big points if you keep non-creepy eye-contact. It lets her know that you’re paying attention and you have interest in what she’s saying. How do you avoid the creepy eye contact - break eye contact once in a while of course! When she asks you a question, take a second to come up with a clever answer. Before you give your opinion, take a second to give it a thought. It’s that simple. It’s rude to stare, but it’s also rude to not pay attention.

If she starts the sex talk first, go for it. But don’t go overboard. Just because she makes a joke about doing the deed in the washroom doesn’t mean she’s giving you the greenlight! It’s likely that she’s testing and teasing you. She wants you to take the bait and get into the topic. You, being the evolved male, will comply of course. After all, sex is an awesome topic. You’ll use words to play and tease. Give her enough of what she wants (your attention) but show enough control so that she asks more of it - if she’s trying harder to get your attention, she’s yours.

Remember that just because she feels comfortable talking about sex doesn’t mean you’re gonna score tonight. She’s not greenlighting anything - she just feels comfortable talking about it. Keep it at that and use it to your advantage. Build the anticipation for the next date (assuming you get another one). Sex talk is like cologne - use enough and you’ll get the attention and the attraction, use too much and the girls will run.

So there you have it - some ideas and some guidelines to hopefully get you a second date.