The Evolved Male

Please note that this article is written from the perspective of a female. Original article is here:

http://www.hercampus.com/love/dating-hooking/more-friendship-less-relationship-youre-flirtationship

It starts out innocently enough, doesn’t it? A coy smile here. A wink there. A couple of drinks out at the bar and a hug that’s kept going for just a second too long. No, this isn’t a Friday night date with that cutie from class. It’s your guy friend. We’ve all had those fun, flirty first date feelings: those butterflies-in-your-stomach, goose-bumpy feelings. But what if you had those feelings for a friend? A guy you know really well? Like, your old friend from high school or that guy who lives down the hall in your dorm?
 
I’m talking about flirtationships–that tricky in-between stage when you regularly flirt with a guy friend but for one reason or another, you do nothing more than that. Flirtationships can be fun and silly, but they can also get awkward really fast (and potentially mean bad news for having a real relationship with that guy). So how do you navigate this tricky territory? This guide will give you the rules to live (and flirt) by.  And with some advice from Julie Spira, best-selling author and the Cyber Dating Expert, and stories from real collegiettes, you can take charge of your flirtationship.
 
So, what’s a flirtationship?

Spira breaks it down to the basics for us. “A flirtationship is that fun and flirty in-between place of being just friends and without claiming that you’re in a relationship,” Spira says. “More often than not, it does become a romantic relationship. It’s a friendship filled with flirting.”

How do you know that you’re in one?

“Hey, are you and so-and-so dating?” If you get this question a lot, along with raised eyebrows and winks from your mutual friends, chances are you’re in a flirtationship.
 
Flirtationships typically develop in one of two ways: they can grow into a romantic relationship or revert back to a friendship. Or (worst-case scenario) they can fall apart completely, leaving out the idea of a possible relationship and the friendship too awkward to fall back on.

So are there any pros to a flirtationship?

It sounds like flirtationships can get emotionally complicated, and they can. But sometimes, they can be an easygoing alternative to a relationship.
 
Rachel, a senior at New York University says that her flirtationship with a longtime guy friend Hunter means having someone to depend on.
 
“Hunter is always someone I can rely on to listen to me when I need to talk out something,” she says. “The thing with friends is they’re always there for you. It’s sort of like having a boyfriend, but without having to worry about him judging you.”
 
And as Tammy, a junior at Boston College says, a “no strings attached” flirtationship can be the best of both worlds in the dating scene. “There’s no real commitment involved,” she says. “What’s great about a flirtationship is that you can still date around with whoever you want without the drama of being ‘attached’ to someone or  people calling you a cheater.”
 
A flirtationship, much like a friends with benefits situation, means having all the benefits of a relationship without the obligations. You don’t feel obligated to spend money on date after date or have the awkward meet-the-parents dinner to please your partner in a flirtationship. You can save your weekend nights for clubbing with the girls and splurge on those to-die-for heels you just hadto have.

Can this hurt my friendship?

Like any gamble, in a flirtationship, you run the risk of ruining the friendship.
 
“It starts off really simple, light, easy, fun and uncomplicated,” Spira says. “And as soon as one person has more feelings than the other or as soon as one person meets someone else and moves into a relationship, all the rules change and someone can get hurt.”
 

Say you meet a new cute guy and say this guy asks you out. If the guy you’re in a flirtationship with had feelings for you, this could cause jealousy between the two of you as friends. The same thing can happen if you saw the flirtationship developing with your friend and he started a committed relationship with a new girl. Jealousy is the number one cause of destroyed friendships that developed into flirtationships, according to Spira.
 
“The number one way a flirtationship can hurt a friendship is if all of a sudden with all of this flirting foreplay you get this false sense that you’re in a relationship and maybe one person wants to be in a relationship with that person,” she says. “They wake up one day and they say, ‘Wow I really have feelings for this person. I’d like to take it to the next step.’ If the other person doesn’t feel the same way, then you basically run the risk of losing the friendship.”
 
Collegiettes in flirtationships agree. “I have found that they never work. Either they want to be more than friends or don’t act the same way back,” says Heather, a freshman at the University of Arizona. “I have found that on the rare occasion that it does work out I was starting to develop a relationship with another guy. They might work out for other people but for some reason they just don’t work out for me!”
 
Kerry, a senior at Hofstra University, found herself in a dire dilemma when her flirtationship with a taken guy went a little too far.
“My good friend Paul used to live in a house off-campus with me – directly next to my room. He’s had a girlfriend for four years and he’s incredibly loyal to her except for this flirtationship we’ve established. We’ve kissed a few times and I’ve slept in his bed without taking any further steps than that (though we’re usually pretty physical and affectionate with each other). I know it has a lot to do with sexual tension and repression on his end considering that his girlfriend lives hundreds of miles away from him… but we definitely have fun with each other. It’s a mutual understanding that this is just how our friendship works, but I do know that his girlfriend would be devastated if she knew how we act around each other.”
 
So far, it hasn’t ruined her friendship with Paul, but she cautions collegiettes that flirtationships are definitely “dangerous territory.”
 
“When his girlfriend came to visit in December it was so awkward,” she says. “We always hug each other so when she was around I had to monitor my behavior to avoid any trouble.”
 
The worst case scenario can happen when the whole flirtationship falls apart. If it all falls apart, not only do you lose the chance of that perfect boyfriend, you lose the chance of keeping him as a friend.
 
Emma from Mount Holyoke College found herself in this situation. “I’ve had a few flirtationships, and they were entertaining, but I went too far when I accidentally got into one with my best guy friend,” she says. “We had previously considered dating, but decided against it because we thought it would damage our friendship. I started texting him and we flirted for a month or so. When I got home for break, I realized what a mistake I had made, because we both were being flirty, yet expecting more to come of it, and it didn’t work out so well. We haven’t spoken in two months.”
 
“So beware!” she warns. “They are fun if you’re not close to the guy, but if you value the friendship, don’t get into a flirtationship with them.” 
 
So is a flirtationship worth it?

Despite how complicated a flirtationship can be, Spira says they can be healthy. A close flirtationship with a guy can even turn into the best relationship.
 
“Some of the best relationships start off with humor and wit and joking,” she says. “Anyone who is looking for love, is looking for someone who is smart and funny, someone who has a great sense of humor. It’s like the first phase of what attracts someone to another.”
 
Whatever the reasons are behind the flirtationship, Spira says that there are some common sense boundaries you should never cross, like don’t become too emotionally attached and never keep up a flirtationship with a guy who is in a relationship. This avoids hurt feelings on either side. But with a flirtationship, you can be single and available. You can be single and bro-down with as many guy friends as you want. You can be flirty as friends, as long as you don’t hurt him in the process. Or more importantly, hurt yourself.

Original article:

http://artofmanliness.com/2013/02/12/how-to-be-assertive/

Your boss consistently asks you at the last minute to come into work on the weekend. You say “yes” every time even though you have family plans. You stew with resentment as you pore over TPS reports on a Saturday.

You order an expensive steak at a restaurant, but when the waiter brings it to you it’s way over-cooked. When he asks, “How is everything?” you respond, “Fine,” while you glumly saw your charred hunk of meat. 

You want to take a jiu-jitsu class, but you don’t think your wife will be too happy with you spending an hour or two every week away from your family, so don’t you even mention the idea to her.

Your neighbor lets his dogs bark all night, and it’s keeping you from sleep. Instead of talking to him about it, you bad-mouth him to your friends on Facebook.

If any of these situations hits close to home, then you’re likely one of the legions of men who suffer from “Nice Guy Syndrome” – a set of personality, attitude, and behavioral traits described by Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Nice Guys take a passive approach to life and relationships. Instead of standing up for themselves, they let others walk all over them. They’re pushovers and perennial People Pleasers. Nice Guys have a hard time saying no to requests — even unreasonable ones. They’re considerate to a fault. When they want or need something, they’re afraid to ask for it because they don’t want to inconvenience others. Nice Guys also avoid conflict like the plague. They’d rather get along than get ahead.

At first blush, Nice Guys seem like saints. They appear generous, flexible, and extremely polite. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you’ll often find a helpless, anxious, and resentful core. Nice Guys are often filled with anxiety because their self-worth depends on the approval of others and getting everyone to like them. They waste a lot of time trying to figure out how to say no to people and even then, often end up still saying yes, because they can’t go through with it. They don’t feel they can go after their true desires, because they’re locked into doing what others say they should do. Because “go with the flow” is their default approach to life, Nice Guys have little control over their lives and consequently feel helpless, shiftless, and stuck. They’re also typically resentful and vindictive because their unspoken needs aren’t being met and they feel like others are always taking advantage of them – even though they’re the ones who allow it to happen.

In worst-case scenarios, the Nice Guy’s pent-up resentment from being pushed around will result in unexpected outbursts of anger and violence. He’s a volcano waiting to erupt.

So what’s a Nice Guy to do? How can he regain some control over his life and quit being such a pushover?

Some Nice Guys think the solution is to swing to the other extreme and go from being passive toaggressive. Instead of meekly submitting, they feel like they have to dominate in every situation. They seek to get their way in everything, no matter what.

Aggressiveness, while definitely appropriate in some instances, particularly those involving out-and-out competition, isn’t a very productive communication or behavior style in most cases. In fact, using a persistent, aggressive communication style can often backfire by creating resentment and passive-aggressive behavior in the very people you’re trying to control.

Instead of passivity and aggressiveness, the best approach lies somewhere between the two. The sweet spot for communication and behavior is called assertiveness.

Assertiveness: The Golden Mean Between Passivity and Aggression

You might associate the term “assertiveness” with training courses that women take to learn to be more confident in traditionally masculine workplaces.

But in the past few decades, as men have been taught to smooth over their rough edges — to be less pushy, more sensitive, and more collaborative — a lot of guys have gotten confused as to where to draw the line between aggression and passivity. Anxious to not come off as overbearing, and even sexist, they tend to err on the side of the latter. They’ve lost the ability to navigate between those two rocky shoals, and as a result, many men need to learn, or re-learn, how to be assertive.

So what does it mean to be assertive?

In a nutshell, assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which you demonstrate healthy confidence and are able to stand up for yourself and your rights, while respecting the rights of others.

When you’re assertive, you are direct and honest with people. You don’t beat around the bush or expect people to read your mind about what you want. If something is bothering you, you speak up; if you want or need something, you ask. You do all this while maintaining a calm and civil demeanor.

Assertiveness also requires an understanding that while you can make a request or state an opinion, others are well within their right to say no or disagree. You don’t get upset or angry when that happens. You stay in control and work to come to some sort of compromise. When you’re assertive, you understand that you might not get what you want. You’ll learn, however, that it not only doesn’t hurt to ask, but actually helps to ask as well:

The Benefits of Assertiveness

Your relationships will improve. Researchers who study marriage and relationships have found that assertiveness is one of the key attributes that both partners need in order for a relationship to be strong and healthy.If one person feels they aren’t getting their needs met, resentment for their partner ensues (even if it’s the person’s fault for not letting their needs to be known).

You’ll feel less stressed. Studies have shown that individuals who undergo assertiveness training experience less stress than individuals who don’t. When you’re assertive, you say no to requests that would otherwise spread you too thin. You also lose the anxiety and worry that comes with being overly pre-occupied with what others will think of your choices/preferences/requests/opinions. You feel in control of your life.

You’ll gain confidence. When you’re assertive, you have an internal locus of control. Your attitude and behavior are governed by your own actions or decisions, not the actions and decisions of others. Knowing that you can make changes to improve your own situation is a big-time confidence booster.

You’ll become less resentful. As you become more assertive, your relationships will become more enjoyable. You’ll no longer have to swallow the bitter pill of resentment when you say yes to a request or decide to do a favor for someone. When you do something, you do it because you actually want to do it, or you’re okay with doing it as part of the natural give and take of relationships.

How to Be More Assertive

Creating the Assertive Mindset

In my experience, becoming more assertive first requires you to change your mindset. You need to get rid of any limiting or incorrect beliefs that are holding you back from being assertive. Here are a few suggestions to get your mindset in the right place.

Set boundaries. The first step in becoming less of a pushover is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are rules and limits that a man creates for himself that guide and direct others as to what’s permissible behavior around him. Passive men typically have no boundaries and allow others to walk all over them.

Men’s counselor and author Wayne Levine calls boundaries N.U.Ts, or Non-negotiable,Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.Ts are the things you’re committed to: your family, your health, your faith, your hobbies, your psychological well-being, etc. According to Levine, “N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually—but assuredly—turn you into a pissed-off, resentful man.”

If you don’t know what your N.U.Ts are, take some time to figure it out. Once you do, make a commitment from here on out that you’ll never compromise them.

Take responsibility for your own problems. Nice Guys wait around for someone else to fix their problems. An assertive man understands that his problems are his responsibility.  If you see something that needs changing in your life, take action. If you’re not happy with something in your life, start taking steps — however small — to change things.

Don’t expect people to read your mind. Nice Guys expect others to recognize what they need and want without having to say a word. Until a mass mutation occurs that allows telepathy or our brains become connected to the Borg, mind reading isn’t possible for the foreseeable future. If you want something, say it; if something bothers you, speak up. Never assume that people know your every need or want. It’s not as obvious as you may think.

Understand you’re not in charge of how others feel or behave. Both passive and aggressive men share a similar problem: they both think they’re in charge of how others feel or behave — they just go about it differently.

An aggressive man assumes responsibility of others’ behavior and emotions by exerting his will through physical, mental, and emotional force.

A passive man assumes responsibility of others’ behavior by constantly submitting his will to the will of others. Passive men feel it’s their job to make sure everyone is happy, even if that means they themselves are miserable.

An assertive man recognizes that it’s not his job to control or worry about others’ behavior and that he’s only responsible for how he behaves and feels. You won’t believe how much less stress and anxiety you’ll feel once you understand this. You’ll no longer spend wasted hours wringing your hands worrying about whether someone will be happy with your choice or opinion.

This isn’t to say that you should be an inconsiderate jerk and shouldn’t take into account the feelings/situations of others. It just means you don’t need to go overboard and be so overly considerate that you don’t make any requests or stand up for your values lest you upset or offend someone. Let them decide whether to be upset or offended. That’s their responsibility, not yours.

You are responsible for the consequences of your assertive words/actions. Asserting yourself will likely ruffle feathers, and there might be unpleasant consequences. But part of being assertive is taking responsibility for those consequences, come what may. Dealing with those consequences is far better than dealing with those of living an anxious, thwarted life.

Assertiveness takes time. Don’t think you’ll magically become assertive simply by reading this article. Assertiveness takes time and practice. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just be persistent with your efforts; it will pay off.

Assertiveness in Action

Once you have the mindset, here’s how to actually start being assertive.

Start small. If the thought of standing up for yourself makes you downright nauseous, start with low-risk situations. For example, if you order a burger, and the waiter brings you a grilled cheese, let him know the mistake and send it back. If you’re out running errands on the weekend with your wife and are trying to decide on a place to eat, don’t just automatically defer, but chime in as to where you’d like to go.

Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start upping the ante little by little.

Say no. In your quest to become more assertive, “no” is your best friend. Start saying no more often. Does a request conflict with a personal boundary? Say no. Schedule already full? Diga, “No, gracias.” You don’t have to be a jerk when you do it. It’s possible to be firm and resolute with your no while being considerate. At first, saying no may make you very anxious, but eventually it will come to feel good, and actually quite freeing.

Will some people be disappointed when you turn them down? Probably. But remember that as long as you express your needs in a considerate way, you’re not responsible for their reaction. No need to feel guilty for treating yourself like their equal.

Be simple and direct. When you’re asserting yourself, less is more. Keep your requests and preferences simple and direct. No need for elaborate explanations (see below) or meandering wind-ups. Just politely say your piece.

Use “I” statements. When making a request or expressing disapproval use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You‘re so inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard my day at the office was. Why would you ask me to do all these chores?” say, “I’m exhausted today. I understand you want these things done, but I’m not going to be able to get to them until tomorrow.” Other examples of “I” statements:

• “You’re so needy and controlling.” “I feel frustrated when you make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends.”
• “You always humiliate me when we visit your parents.” “I feel embarrassed when you insult me in front of your folks.”
• “Your demands are unreasonable!” “I’d prefer that you give me at least three days’ notice before asking me to come in on the weekend.”

When crafting your “I” statements, be careful not to embed accusations or try to interpret the person’s behavior. That will just make them defensive and cause them to shut down. Examples:

• “I feel like you’re purposely being a jagweed just to get on my nerves.”
• “I think you’re trying to pick a fight.”

Don’t apologize or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right. Unless you’re asking for something that’s patently unreasonable, there’s no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing a need or want. So quit apologizing when you make a request. Just politely ask for it and wait to see how the other person responds.

Nice Guys will feel guilty even when expressing dissatisfaction with something they’re paying for! If a contractor hasn’t done the work he agreed to do, it’s your right to ask that it be fixed. It has nothing to do with being polite or not hurting his feelings – it’s just business and that’s how it works.

Use confident body language and tone. Look confident when making a request or stating a preference. Stand up straight, lean in a bit, smile or keep a neutral facial expression, and look the person in the eye. Also be sure to speak clearly and loudly enough to make your point. Passive folks will tend to whisper and mumble when making their opinions or needs known; that will only serve to frustrate the other person.

You don’t have to justify/explain your opinion/choices. When you make a decision or state an opinion that others don’t agree with, one way in which they’ll try to exert control over you is to demand that you offer a justification for your choice/opinion/behavior. If you can’t come up with a good enough reason (in the other person’s eyes) you’re supposed to go along with what they want.

Nice Guys — with their need to please — feel obligated to give an explanation or justification for every. single. choice they make, even if the other person isn’t asking for it. They want to make sure that everyone is okay with their choices — essentially asking for permission to live their life the way they want. Don’t operate like that.

Rehearse. Play out the scenario in which you plan to assert yourself. Sure, it’s goofy, but practice what and how you’ll say in front of a mirror. It helps.

Be persistent. You’ll sometimes face situations when people will shoot you down the first time you make a request. Don’t just throw up your hands and say, “Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it. At least I tried.” Sometimes to be treated fairly, you’ve got to be persistent.  Remain cool, calm, and collected during this process. For example, if you call customer service and they won’t help you with your problem, ask if you can talk to their manager. Or if you get bumped off a flight, keep asking about other options, like getting transferred to another airline, so you can make it to your destination on time.

Be wary of the advice you find in some books on assertiveness that suggest you keep asking the same thing over and over and over again until the person relents and gives you what you want. That’s not being persistent, that’s being a pest.

Stay cool. If someone disagrees or expresses disapproval of your choice/opinion/request, don’t get angry or defensive. Either give a constructive response or decide not to engage with the person any further.

Pick your battles. A common mistake many people make who are on the path to being more assertive is to try to be assertive all the time. Assertiveness is situational and contextual. There may be cases when being assertive won’t get you anywhere and taking a more aggressive or passive stance is the better option.

How do you know when you should or shouldn’t assert yourself? You’ll need to figure that out through practice and exercising some practical wisdom.

Dr. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, authors of Your Perfect Right, provide a few questions to consider before choosing to be assertive:

• How much does it matter to you?
• Are you looking for a specific outcome or just to express yourself?
• Are you looking for a positive outcome? Might asserting yourself make things worse?
• Will you kick yourself if you don’t take action?
• What are the probable consequences and realistic risks from your possible assertion?

How to Deal With People Who Are Used to Mr. Doormat

If you’ve been a pushover for most of your life, the people around you will likely resist your efforts to become more assertive. They’re used to you being a doormat and are comfortable with a relationship dynamic that has you in the passive role. Don’t get angry or frustrated if your family, friends, and co-workers question or even try to thwart your new assertive approach to life. That’s a completely normal response. Just remember that while the short-term kerfuffles that come with being assertive may be annoying and awkward, you and those around you will be better off in the long-run.

Conclusion

At times, you certainly do need to suck up your feelings and just do it. Perhaps it’s doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, or even finishing that TPS report. However, learning to voice your opinions, and more importantly, respect the validity of those opinions and wants, will serve to make you a more confident man. The result of an assertive action may be getting exactly what you want, or a compromise, or a rejection, but regardless of the outcome, it will lead to you feeling more in control of your life. Start small, learn how to state your wishes, and make assertiveness a part of who you are.

We can all think of the people around us who we know to be assertive. With a little bit of practice and training, you can be that man that people think of and look to when they need something taken care of.

Pleasing a guy is like running a race. Guys have a start, they have a clear and definite finish.

Pleasing a woman kind of never ends. They are like a game of Bop-It with various switches and toggles. What is more, there is no upper limit, there is no “end;” things just keep going and going, faster and faster until you can’t keep up and the game ends. There is no finish line, just a high score you can beat. 

Strength, conviction, and purpose are things that every man must enjoy.

There is no person that can’t respect me. However, I don’t expect to be respected  by every person that walks the earth and I have no desire to be a perfect anything. I simply wish to make the visions in my mind a reality. Many men wish only this but the path to being the man that he wants to be isn’t without challenges!

Boys, understand this: life isn’t made to give you anything! It isn’t, it’s made to test your resolve at every turn to keep your feet rooted in the ‘semper paratus’ (always ready) that keeps your path more direct and sure to whatever ends you may have. People aren’t to be feared or even really something to concern yourself over in such away that you let worry or fear grip you; instead of fearing a person, understand and empathize with them so as to build a connection and draw their strength - after all, they are feared people for some reason, why not learn from them? Understand that you will need people in your life to get you to where you want to be. You should embrace people that scare you so that you don’t overlook the things that can lead you towards your dream, towards shaping the world in ways that instill courage within you, and challenge you to take greater steps towards your ambitions. To achieve these things with great love and success, you need the right mindset. One that recognizes life isn’t a place that is bad, instead, know that life is not a place without battles. You should prepare yourself to meet challenges with vigourous ferocity. 

When I want something, I go after it and never accept a back handed attack to limit my results. In doing this, I have discovered the true nature of people who became successful by a sound heart and those who made a mountain upon cowardly passions. When I attack the defensive, they cry…’Why are you attacking me?’ as they run away to avoid the issue. They talk about being tough or busy or the problem not being a real priority; but when you meet them head on, they run and hide behind anything they can to protect themselves. On the other hand, there are some people, that you meet them eye to eye, they hold their ground. I can respect that… What I can’t respect, and what women don’t respect are cowards. You will never see a good woman beside a man who runs when challenged for cover. 

Women want the exception to the rule. The man who loves defiantly, lives to be the highest standard of physical, mental, and unselfish strength. Those are the men who women truly love and desire. The ones that make women satisfied in more universal ways. Men who are prepared and willing to fight on behalf of their values in anyway because they believe in themselves. These are the men with just reasons who really impact women in positive ways.

Be this man, and be the exception.

Guys, I cannot emphasize this enough: please don’t be so fast to supplicate. Respect yourself more than to give yourself wholly to someone. Make sure they’ve earned it - you wouldn’t give away your money or belongings for free, would you? So why would you give your emotions/efforts/energy for free?

It’s not only about what you bring to the table, it’s what she brings to the table too. You, being the evolved male, should have a good grasp of what you bring to the table, if you don’t, you can start reading here. At the same time, you should never feel bad about considering what she brings to the table for you. You’ve worked hard to earn your keep, she should to. And if you can find someone who shares the same mentality as you, it’ll surely be a flourishing relationship of ongoing growth and development.

Don’t exacerbate the vicious cycle of:

1. Guy throws himself at girl
2. Girl rejects guy
3. Other guy throws himself at girl
4. Girl rejects other guy
5. Repeat

Intrigue her, question her, teach her, challenge her…just don’t give everything to her. She’ll appreciate you much more for it.

Part 5: Social Qualities

Let’s start with something really basic: you like pleasant people; you’re enjoy the company of people who make you feel comfortable and in turn, you are more receptive to pleasant people. Now, I want to be clear of one thing: being pleasant is NOT being nice (Why Nice Guys are Losers and Being Nice is Mediocre). Being overly nice is supplicating yourself so as to seek approval from those around you; being kind is being genuine in your words and actions so that the people around you get that sense of honesty and good feel from you. The point is: you want to be kind.

Having a pleasant disposition relates to kindness, but more specifically, focuses on how you conduct yourself through positive and negative experiences. People love sharing their stories, whether positive or negative, with those around them. How you react and make them feeling about sharing their stories with you will significantly impact how they see you. If someone is sharing a story about a positive experience, you want to reinforce those feelings by asking more questions and showing interest in their story. It allows them the chance to talk more about something they’re clearly happy about. At the same time, you’re showing interest in them.

If someone is sharing a story about a negative experience, it’s usually best to remain at a neutral position. Don’t agree or disagree with them until you have established proper rapport and comfort level with them. You can establish rapport with them, again, by asking questions and showing interest in their experience. You can usually tell when rapport is established by body language: the speaker will square their shoulders to you, face your direction and eye contact. Once you have that connection with the speaker, you can offer your opinion on the matter, whether reinforcing or disagreeing with them. And from there…that’s a conversation.

Simon Cowell is a great example of someone with a pleasant disposition. It is quite evident that his words can be harsh when he’s telling hopeful singers that they are terrible, however, when he does have a positive observation, he really conveys his passion and positivity to his audience. What makes Simon great is the fact that whether he is offering good or bad feedback, he is able to do so effectively with his wonderful choice of words.

In a relationship, a guy has to be impervious to her bad moods. He has to be positive and supportive in the ugly face of ‘bitchiness.’ He has to demonstrate that he cares deeply for her emotional security and happiness when adversity threatens her. The reassurance she needs will come from his words and actions.

He has to know when disagreement and correction is necessary. Sometimes, a simple ‘you’re wrong, but here’s how we can fix this’ can be incredibly wonderful to hear because it allows the man to guide her through her faults and help her work through them. At other times, ‘you’re right, let’s do it again’ can really bring a her mood up because he’s recognizing her positive traits and acknowledging her worth is incredibly fulfilling for her.

Guys, the last piece of advice I can leave with you is this: don’t ask her what’s wrong more than 3 times if you feel something off about her mood. Asking once and then leaving it alone will probably get you a ‘why don’t you care more about me?!’ While asking more than 3 times will just annoy the f*ck out of her. Three times is good because most people will say ‘nothing’ the first time, the second time, they might open up a bit because you’re taking another shot at it and she feels that’s you’re picking up on her emotions. On the third time, she’ll likely open up (warning: once the floodgates are open, you better know how to swim). But if it’s still ‘nothing’ after the third time, you were probably wrong - just let it go. She’ll come around soon enough. Remember, girls are emotional, they need more time than guys to work through their feelings. You need to give them time to do that, but at the same time, you need to have a pleasant disposition to reinforcement improvement and resolution.

Part 4: Good Health

Having social qualities is important, not only in being attractive but life in general - let’s face it, life is going to be quite a bit more difficult and awkward if you don’t know how to deal with people. In addition, people are simply attracted to people who can carry themselves well in social situations.

Here are a few of my own personal practices, take and choose what you want:

Be like Bill

I’ve had the pleasure of attending an event where Bill Clinton was a guest speaker, and let me tell you, that dude is smooth and charming. It got me wondering why people liked him so much despite his history. I made careful observations of how he talked to people and figured out why he’s so awesome. Bill talks to individuals as though they are the only ones in the room. He makes them feel comfortable and appreciated when he talks to them. He maintains eye contact and he speaks in a calm and collected manner. He’s confident in what he says and when he’s not sure, he has not reservations about eliciting opinions of others. Be like Bill.

Assume that all females want to sleep with you.

Yea, this one is weird, some of you will appreciate this one, others will probably be offended. In any case, I talk to all members of the opposite gender with the assumption that they want to sleep with me. Now, this doesn’t mean that I actually carry out with that assumption (obviously, because that’d be just f*ckin weird) but what this does is help with confidence when you’re talking to someone you don’t really know. Here’s why it works for me; the notion that all females want to sleep with me is ridiculous enough - that fun and hilarious mindset is carried over into my demeanour. It lightens the mood and allows for a more casual composure, as opposed to the guys who are stressed, awkward, and generally weird to talk to. As such, I suppose I come across as a fun person to talk to…I can confidently say: it’s hard not to like me.

 Listen, not hear

I have a natural curiosity for everything. Those who know me can attest to this as I tend to ask questions and provide my own insights into things, isn’t that what having a conversation is all about?

People hear, but they don’t listen. A person speaks at a rate of 120-150 words per minute. The brain is capable of processing approximately 500 words per minute. So when we’re engaging in conversation, we’re only using about a quarter of the ‘bandwidth’ of our brains - so does the brain do with all the extra ‘vacant bandwidth?’ It starts to wander.

It starts thinkin about anything - some people start thinking things they have to do later on, which explains why people seem so absent minded sometimes. While others may think ‘ahead of the conversation’ and make assumptions about where the conversation is going, which explains why some people are judgemental and assuming.

On a few occasions, peoples’ random thoughts slip into conversation. Once, I was having a conversation with someone and my mind started to wander off and started to think about…

When the person paused, it cued me to respond since they were waiting on a response from me. Having completely been tuned out for the last 10 seconds, I meant to respond with ‘I understand exactly what you’re talking about, I know all about it.’

I don’t think I need to explain how funny yet awkward it was when I actually said ‘I understand exactly what you’re talkin about, I know all about tits.’

With that being said, instead of letting your mind wander, use the extra ‘bandwidth’ to think about engaging questions on the subject matter. If not questions, consider providing some feedback or opinions of the discussion at hand. Ask the engaging questions that allow your counterpart to talk more about the topic if they’re showing excitement and great interest in it. Or redirect the conversation if they don’t seem to care much about it - use the bandwidth to craft how you’ll transition to the next topic.

….and stop staring at her tits!