The Evolved Male

"Live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be"

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In part 1 of this blog, I told a story of a person who did what she needed to do so that she could get herself out of a deep hole. In part 2, I will discuss the importance and implications of ‘what you are willing to give up.’

Everyday, I am bombarded with messages that I can get anything I want without sacrifice. A TV ad will tell me that I can ‘lose all the weight I want without giving up my favourite food’ while the radio says ‘here’s how I can make more money without spending more time’ and magazines tell me that ‘I can get ripped without hitting the gym.’ Most importantly, the internet seems to tell me that I can ‘get a larger penis without suffering side-effects’ - I’d give it a thought, yea…a real quick thought.

Seriously though, all of the aforementioned are just empty promises. They’re terrible smokescreens that deter me from seeing the absolute truth - getting what I want requires sacrifice and there is ALWAYS something to give up.

For me, it’s not about what I’m willing to do - it’s about what I’m willing to give up.
When I set certain goals that I want to achieve, I have to progress in whatever it is I am working for. In most cases, I have to ‘leave something behind,’ whatever it may be. Sometimes, I have to give up something material and tangible, while at other times, it’s something internal that I have to move past. But if I try to get what I want while trying to hold onto everything in attempts to have it all, I’ll be stretched and exhausted in trying to keep everything. Simply said, you have to be willing to give up some things.

Wanna lose weight? Cut down on the junk food.
Wanna get a better physique? Give up your free time for gym time.
Wanna get over your ex-lover? Get over the past and make new cherished moments.
Wanna make more money? Work harder and smarter, give up your free time and fun.
Wanna show your lover that you cherish him/her? Give up time with your friends and spend it more with him/her.
Wanna save your money? Give up your expensive outings and opt for cheap fun instead.
Wanna see the world? Spend the money you’ve worked so hard for on a trip instead of a pricey pair of shoes.
Wanna be a better person? Give up your ego, take a good look at yourself, be humble, and do better.

Understanding the importance of sacrifice is to realize that if one tries to hold onto everything, one lives a life of anxiousness and regret.

Right now, I have an acoustic guitar. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I enjoying singing terribly and playing my guitar everyday. It’s not the greatest piece of equipment (a $100 Epiphone acoustic, for those who are wondering) but it gets the job done - what I really want is a nice Gibson semi-hollowbody. However, certain obligations in life are preventing me from dropping a few hundred dollars on something for leisure. Instead, the income goes to bills, gas, food, and girls (just kiddin, girls usually pay for me anyway).

Am I tempted to go out and buy a guitar? Absolutely, almost everyday. Should I go out and buy a guitar? Well, yes…eventually, just not right now because I know I have more important priorities to deal with.

Because I understand that I have to make a small sacrifice for now (not getting an awesome guitar), I don’t live a day regretting the purchase of the cheaper guitar nor do I ever regret having a roof over my head and food on the table. I’m giving up something that is less important than a roof over my head and food on the table. And because I resist the urge to go out and splurge on such a purchase, I don’t put myself into an awkward financial situation.

She talked about how she was having difficulties with school. She didn’t focus and spent more time chilling with friends than she did at class. She skipped lectures and tutorials so she could spend the afternoons loafting and laughing away. Her social circle was large and every night, there was always a happening, it was easy to not be at the library or at home. Morning classes were ‘write offs’ after late nights of hanging out and partying. In addition to her decaying academic situation, she put herself in debt. She was spending money on fun, nights out, and alcohol. She knew what was happening, but she didn’t want to admit it….her grade point average and her bank account balance were dropping faster than girls’ panties for Ryan Gosling.

In addition to her academic decay, her personal value started to drop; she felt she wasn’t keeping up with her friends. While her friends had graduated and moved onto the next steps in their lives, she remained behind having to play ‘catch up.’ She felt ashamed having been put on academic probation and dropping numerous courses because she spent her energies on social distractions and not focusing on school. After all the fun, she realized she was in big trouble.

After nearly being kicked out of her post-secondary institution and having her self-confidence destroyed, she made a decision to do whatever it took to get her grades up and get back on track with her studies. She decided to focus school, and school alone.

She sacrificed leisure for study, she reacquainted herself with textbooks which she had spent large amounts of money on. Her ‘chilling time’ was spent alone at the library or in her room. If not studying, she would be working at a local restaurant, enduring long hours, verbal abuse, and mistreatment at the hands of the owner of the restaurant. To her, it was an option to stay as it was one of very few employment opportunities that fit with her school schedule.

She had completely ostracised herself from her friends as she knew herself well enough not to let them distract her. This decision to be alone was nothing against her friends, rather, she recognized her lack of discipline that had caused her academic downfall.

Though motivated to get back on track with school, there were many times spent in tears and disappointment, not because the work was difficult, rather, she cried because she was ashamed that she had let herself become like that. In addition, she was disappointed in herself because she knew she was smarter than to let things degrade to the way they were. She used her shame and disappointment as motivation to get out of her precarious situation. 

After 6 months of hard work, isolation, and concentrated studying, she was off academic probation. She had paid off her debt and most importantly, she regained her self-worth and confidence.  She realigned her focus with her goals. She found herself again.

Now, you’ve often heard the phrase ‘do what you gotta do to get what you want’ or some similar deviation conveying the same message. While this is true, and I certainly don’t disagree with the message of ‘doing what you gotta do’ - I’ve always taken a slightly different approach. It’s obvious that one must do certain things to get what they want, but at the end of it all….it always comes down to ‘what are you willing to give up for what you want.’

Part 2: http://evolvedmale.tumblr.com/post/18074584444/what-are-you-willing-to-give-up-part-2

ogto:

For the second installment of the Building a Wardrobe series I want to talk about shoes. They are probably the single most overlooked part of most men’s wardrobe.

Here’s an exercise. The next time you take a stroll around the block in Manhattan (or any major city) during business hours, take a…

What significance is there in just being ‘nice.’ People should be nice by nature, it’s a part of being human and being compassionate towards everything in life. You shouldn’t get BONUS points just because you’re nice – niceness is a normal human standard. Maybe you can be selective about who you’re nice to, that’s fair, but if you do that, you’re being a pretentious jerk anyway. The point is that being nice is irrelevant because it’s subjective, and a person shouldn’t be praised for being just ‘nice’ – if you’re nice but you do nothing, there’s nothing really gained and your environment would have been the same with or without your existence. I suppose I have trouble accepting complacency for the status quo.

Compassionate, charitable, self-less, resourceful, loving – these descriptive terms are all intangible things that can’t be measured, but these terms are a lot more definitive than ‘nice.’ Maybe it’s because I think that being able to define oneself is important. The ability to see ourselves for what we are and to live with the humility of knowing we all suck in one way or another, but we take strides to change that about ourselves. This definition of ourselves, I hold as very important because it defines us as individuals. But when you have nothing to define yourself other than ‘nice’ – what do you REALLY have in life?

Don’t let people define you as just ‘nice,’ be more and be better than just ‘nice.’

Recently, I had a conversation with someone and the question came up: is a guy born with alpha qualities or can one learn these qualities? It got me thinking about thinking about different characteristics of the alpha guy. Some alpha’s are outspoken and unreserved in their actions, while others are quiet and ‘behind the scenes’ types. They’ve got something that draws you to them. They’re strangely charming in their own ways. Their movements are seamless and natural. They’ve got it - you don’t.

Okay, that’s not completely true. It’s not that you don’t have it…you just don’t have it, well, not all the time anyway. It’s quite tough to be the alpha guy all the time. Each situation requires a different set of qualities to be successful. So it goes back to the aforementioned idea that there are many ‘styles’ of being the alpha guy. One thing that helps is being able to read the situation then assessing which alpha qualities you need to do well in the scenario. I’m not sure if it’s a skill to have or it just comes naturally with experience. Maybe some of you have some insight into this? (I’d appreciate your thoughts on this, use the ‘Your thoughts’ link above)

I’ve given some thought to the different styles of alpha-guyism. It’s clear that there are definitely different ways to being the alpha guy but to list them out and describe them might have been a little boring. Instead, I’ve put together a small list - the following list is of alpha guys from movies that I think guys can identify with and is in no particular order.

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Captain Jack Sparrow from ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’

He’s an asshole, he’s dishonest and he’s unreliable. Despite his negative traits, people like him. He’s got a certain charm about him. He’s got the ability to make bad news, no matter how shitty it is, seem not so bad. He’s got a way of spinning things to make things not as terrible as it actually is….this borderlines on honesty/dishonesty, but hey, at least it could have been worse! He’s the epitome of ‘it’s not what you say, but how you say it.’

What can one learn from Captain Jack?

Charm, charisma and creativity.

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Agent 47 from ‘Hitman’

Guys fear him, girls are attracted him, well, the girl in the movie anyway; why? Because he’s so damn mysterious and he also doesn’t show any need or desperation for the girl. If you’ve seen the movie, it’s clear that he isn’t exactly smooth with girl but one can still learn a thing or two from the guy. Being mysterious is a trait that you can incorporate to your own personality as being spontaneous and unpredictable can be very appealing to some people. As for need for the girl…well, we know that immediate supplication to the girl (or anyone in general) is a bit of a turn off. An alpha guy should be able to resist the desire to show off and share everything as well as his desire for females.

What can one learn from Agent 47? 

Mystification, subtlety and control.

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Steve Stifler from ‘American Pie’

Let’s face it - it’s hard not to like this guy. He’s funny, confident and straight-forward with people. He’s a natural, however, he does have some pretty annoying traits. Stifler possesses the skills to meet and attract the opposite with consistency and success. I think most importantly, he’s confident…not only in his day to day interactions, but he’s clear when it comes to expressing his sexual wants and needs. It doesn’t hurt to be clear about your intentions as long as you’re not being exceedingly creepy and scaring people away. Playing the fake, cool guy will make you seem artificial and pretentious. Being honest and showing candor will show integrity and genuineness - all the more powerful when you’re confident about it.

What can one learn from Steve Stifler?

Humour, honesty and confidence.


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John MacClane from ‘Die Hard’

He’s got values…and he’s tough as they come. Being the reluctant hero, he doesn’t mean to save the day - he’s just always in the wrong place at the wrong time. But at the end of the day, you can’t doubt his high values. He know there’s bad stuff goin down and he won’t just sit back and do nothing. Having values defines you as a person. Knowing when to do what’s right is not only something that makes you grow as an evolve male, but it shows that you’re not just a passive wussy - it shows that you’re willing to stand up for something. If you believe in something, no matter how tough or how shitty the situation may seem, you will do your best and strive to get it done and people will recognize and appreciate that.

What can one learn from John MacClane?

Values, integrity and principles

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King Leonidas from ‘300’

If Jack Sparrow is the epitome of the ‘charming jerk,’ Leonidas is the epitome of leadership. Besides having an awesome physical stature, he’s a leader. He’s unquestionably well respected while showing a mutual respect for those he leads. His selfless sacrifice to protect his country is a clear indication of his dedication to his people. Having natural respect for people around will get you a lot farther than being a pretentious prick. Be honest and empathetic of people and you’ll find that people will naturally be drawn to you.

What can one learn from King Leonidas?

Leadership, respect and dedication

And there you have it. A short list of a few guys that you could take a few hints from. This list is obviously not a complete list, there are hundreds of other alpha guys out there. But at least there are few things you can learn from the guys I’ve listed here.

Let’s start with 2 scenarios.

1. The manly man. Probably ex-military or something. This dude is fit, strong and tough as granite. He probably punches hard things just for fun just to see which breaks first: the object or his will - and he probably hits as hard as a jackhammer. He’s commanding and direct. He walks with purpose and people defer to him in social situations. Despite his strong, manly presence, he spends his capital picking up easy bar skanks and fatties in nightclubs and bars. The girls he picks up, he probably stops seeing them after 2 or 3 encounters.

2. The pretty boy. Good looking, successful with razor sharp wit and a good sense of humour. He oozes charisma and is always at the center of attention in such a way that he’s trying not to be - that’s his charm. The attention is just drawn to him. Yet, with all this charm, never closes a deal with a girl. There’s some flaw in his character that is stopping him from reaching his full potential.

I’ve brought up these 2 scenarios because they show the confusion that arises when people try to distinguish between alpha and beta males. The aforementioned scenarios probably aren’t perfect alpha’s either….the ex-military guy probably has a busted face and an empty wallet, and the latter, well, clearly, he’s having some kind of internal problems if he can’t close a deal with a girl. However, they do have enough of the important alpha characteristics that they could do a lot better. Yet, to an outside observer who doesn’t know about their personal troubles, they would be considered archetypical alpha guys.

I think most people want to believe that getting girls is crucial to being a true alpha guy; such that the real measure of an alpha lies in his ability to dominate other guys or command of his environment, or his urge for sex. While these are certainly cool traits that an alpha has, in my opinion, they are nothing more than an means to an end. But make no mistake, at the most basic level of a man’s worth is his appeal to the opposite gender, whether he chooses to play the game or not. Simply and crudely put - pussy is the holy grail (the exception is that you’re homosexual, of course, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that).

The distinguishing feature between an alpha and an beta is selection. That is, one is more careful in his selection of girls than the other. Let’s say 2 guys are equally successful with the girls. Both are equally skilled in playing the game and when it comes time to closing the deal with girls…the alpha is more careful with who he chooses to fornicate with, while the beta guy simply sleeps with any girl who comes along.

Wait, hold on…isn’t it cool when your bro tells you his never-ending stories of his sexual conquests? How his repeated ‘pick ups’ at bars and clubs always end up at a hotel? Isn’t it cool when a guy brags about how many girls he’s banging at once? Here’s a curveball, get ready: doesn’t evolutionary social behaviourial studies tell us that dominant guys are most promiscuous often mating with many females so as to plant their seed into as many eligible females as possible? Aren’t all these ideas part of being the alpha guy?!

Yes, yes they are…to the typical beta guys out there. And who could blame them - they just haven’t realized the underlying caveats of these assumptions. These are the guys who are stuck in the very same thinking that holds them back from being physically and intrinsically satisfied by girls. The physical satisfaction goes without saying: a good f*ck is a good f*ck. No arguing that. But intrinsically, wouldn’t it be more satisfying to really pick the best out of the group to have your company? Wouldn’t it be appeasing to know that you got there before the other beta guys? Would it be pleasing to know that you have the option of choosing to fornicate with your selected partner? If having this option isn’t ‘dominant’ and ‘alpha’ in every sense of the definitions…I’m not sure what is.

One thing I would like to point out is that being selective IS NOT an excuse for not being able to attract a girl. An evolved alpha male simply chooses how far he wants to take that attraction with a girl.

I’ll take a bit of a different turn with this entry. In the last few entries, I’ve focused on dating, relationships and similar topics. However, this blog is for the evolved male - there are other many other topics to cover besides dating and relationships.

So there it is, a difference of opinion. Something you don’t agree with and you’re trying to get your point across to the other person. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. Depending on the situation, you can either resolve it on a positive note, or finish in a very bad way.

Personally, I believe it’s always better to resolve things diplomatically but some would argue that in certain situations, you have to win. Take for example, a couple trying to figure out where to go shopping. She insists on going to Style Sense to see the newest stilettos, while he wants to check out the newest wrenches at Canadian Tire. Clearly, there’s going to be a give and take in this scenario. In another example, you’re negotiating to purchase a car. If it’s unlikely that you’ll be doing business again with the seller/buyer - then you’ll want the best deal possible in your favour. There are tons of other scenarios where the outcome is in the gray area between ‘must stomp face and win’ and ‘win-win.’

I’ll continue to refer to the aforementioned examples of buying/selling a car and the ‘shopping couple.’ The reason is that the car sales example provides an example of ‘hard discussions’ when there is a need for a winner and a loser. The shopping couple example provides a good example of ‘soft discussions’ where a clear winner is not necessary.

BATNA - best alternative(s) to negotiated agreement
BATNA is a course of action a person/party will take if an agreement can’t be reached. If you can figure out what your and the other party’s alternatives are, you can have a pretty good idea of who’s got more leverage in the discussion. Whoever has the better BATNA has a stronger leverage because there is less need for the deal to be made.

Going back to the aforementioned example of buying/selling a car - let’s say you’re trying to sell a car. Your alternative is to find another buyer, and the buyer’s alternative is to find another car - your BATNA and the buyer’s BATNA seems almost 50/50. However, your success lies in getting information about the buyer and the circumstances of the discussion. How rare is the car? How badly does the buyer want it? Is it likely they’ll find an alternative? How badly do you need to sell the car? Will you get another offer? These are all important aspects that determine the true BATNA ratio.

Again, referring to the previous example of the couple trying to figure out where to shop. The couple can visit both stores! BATNA almost seems almost 50/50 right? Let’s say the couple agrees on going to Style Sense first. Unanticipated by the guy, the girl spends 3 hours wandering the store trying endless pairs of shoes only to leave piles upon piles of unwanted shoes (ladies, here’s where you say “OMG, that is so true”). By the time she’s done, Canadian Tire is closed and there’s no time for the guy to check out wrenches. The alternative - go to Canadian Tire, buy wrenches, girl withholds sex, guy loses. Another alternative - guys suggests for girl to Style Sense alone and meet up after, girl goes to Style Sense alone, girl upset that guy didn’t go with her, girl withholds sex, guy loses. Clearly, this was and never will be a 50/50 scenario…or was it?

Figuring out the BATNA isn’t just a one-time thought that you stick with until the discussions are over - it’s a moving target. It changes as new information and circumstances arise. You have to be able to anticipate changes before they arise. Say for example, in the shopping couple scenario, it’s late in the afternoon and there’s only time to visit one of the stores. You present the fact that the wrenches are on sale for a one-day only. Suddenly, the BATNA shifts in your favour because it’s clearly advantageous to make a purchase while it’s on sale - she’ll likely agree to go to Canadian Tire. Another way to use this information to your advantage is NOT to suggest going to Canadian Tire to get the wrenches despite them being awesome and on sale. Instead, suggest to go to Style Sense and miss the sale on wrenches. Again, she’ll likely agree to go to Canadian Tire because she sees how important the wrenches are to you. If she doesn’t, you now have leverage to figure out the BATNA in your next discussion with her - the idea is that you gave up something for her.

A relationship is continuous discussion - it’s one discussion after another, after another, after another and one BATNA, after another, after another. Understanding each person’s BATNA is important to keeping good relations. To understand your own BATNA is important, but to understand the BATNA of all parties allows you to reach a diplomatic solution to most discussions. Part of understanding each party’s BATNA is to empathize with them - see things from their point of view. Conversely, it’s possible to see things from a different point of view if you can understand what their BATNA is. It is possible for you to see why a person reaches certain conclusions by determining their BATNA.

There’s always a choice in every discussion - make the better choice by determining what your BATNA is.

She says you’re the ‘player-type.’ You can’t help but smile a little bit - you even laugh a little…now she’s got your attention because you’re hanging on to every word she’s going to say in the next few minutes.

She got it right - stroke your ego to get your attention, flash you a smile to entice you, and now, she’s judged you. Instead of being offended, you’re drawn by her words. You can’t help but listen now - you want more of it - more of this verbal foreplay. Well played, dear. Very well played.

She thinks you’ve got an endless phonebook of girls on the hook. Your days are always booked and there’s always some work/event/outing/social gathering. Her assumption may or may not be true but that’s the vibe she picks up on. She thinks you talk to her the same way you talk to everyone and you’re especially seductive when it comes to girls. You’ve got a charming personality - you come across as ‘easy to talk to’ and people feel comfortable talking to you, she’s no different. After all…she did meet up with you, didn’t she?

It’s flattering isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want the persona of being a ladies man? Who wouldn’t want the reputation of being the charming player? It really is a great compliment. It’s a nice boost to the ego, yea?

Give it a second thought. To you, you’re no different any another guy. Your perspectives might be a little different, but your actions are simply mediocre to you. You talk to everyone just the same and you’re indifferent to the pressures of upholding a certain image because you are the evolved male. You put your pants on one leg at a time just like any other guy. You brush your teeth, shave your face (among other areas) and check out girls just like any other guy. You’re really not that special. With that being said…what is it that makes you the ‘player-type’ in her eyes?

Being the evolved male, you’re immediately humbled by her ‘compliment.’ You, being the evolved male, also give it a second thought and realize…maybe it’s not all on you and it really isn’t all that flattering.

It’s no secret that well presented and confident people are naturally attractive. They have a certain appeal that stands out and a certain aura that captures attention. Of course, girls are attracted to guys who have the aforementioned attributes but there’s a certain irony - when they do meet a guy like that, their alarms go off. When they meet a guy who’s a bit different (for the better, of course), there are second thoughts about this kind of person. Why?

Every person has certain expectations that other people have to meet before they are labelled as ‘accepted.’ Of course, girls have these same expectations for guys - these expectations are especially important to know when meeting someone new. Each girl’s expectation is different based on her own experiences and values. Sadly, after meeting so many ‘average frustrated chumps,’ girls have a certain idea of guys who won’t meet their expectations, it’s almost like a pre-emptive assumption….the really sad part is when they meet someone who does meet or exceed their expectations, they’re surprised!

You’re not like those other average chumps who have failed in her past. You’re not that jerk who brags about how much money he has or how successful he is to overcompensate for his many failures with other girls. You’re not the timid wimp with the personality of a chair. You’re not the pothead who talks about smoking weed everyday, although in moderation, it’s certainly not a bad thing. You’re not the pretty-boy who clearly spent more time on his hair than she did. You’re not the try-hard who’s a different person in front of different people. You’re not the phony who talks ‘ghetto’ despite the fact that you’re clearly brought up in a well-to-do family. No - you’re certainly not any of these average frustrated chumps.

What you are…is something different to her. Just remember, the moment you meet her, even before you start talking, she’s already judging you and comparing you to other guys. And when you stand out from the norm, it’s too different to be immediately ‘acceptable.’ So girls go on with their thoughts, analyzing you every step of the way -‘How is this happening so naturally? He’s not creeping me out. He’s not awkward. He carries himself well and he’s confident without being a douchebag. Wow…he’s paying attention to what I’m saying! He’s only checked out my boobs once! How is this guy able to build my interest so quickly? Why am I suddenly so drawn to him?’ ….Because most previous encounters have been bad/failures/awkward, girls are surprised by a guy who has it in check.

Then…naturally being skeptical, they try to figure it out: ‘OHHH EMM GEEE (OMG), he must do this all the time, that’s why it’s so easy. He must be a player!’

And suddenly, all the good things that were appealing before may be held against us - all the good things that drew her to you are questioned by her. That which starts sweet, ends bitter….or does it?

Gentleman, take this challenge as a sincere form of flattery. Show her that you are the evolved male and better than the average chumps she has encountered. Know that you have already peaked her interest. Know that the ebb and flow of this game we call ‘relationships’ has begun, and it is a cruel and exciting journey….know all of this to be true, because..why else would she have given you a second thought?

I don’t have a gray stripe of fur down my back, nor do I have a mane. I’m not an alpha male.

Wait…I’m not a gorilla or a lion - I guess I still could be alpha.