She says you’re the ‘player-type.’ You can’t help but smile a little bit - you even laugh a little…now she’s got your attention because you’re hanging on to every word she’s going to say in the next few minutes.
She got it right - stroke your ego to get your attention, flash you a smile to entice you, and now, she’s judged you. Instead of being offended, you’re drawn by her words. You can’t help but listen now - you want more of it - more of this verbal foreplay. Well played, dear. Very well played.
She thinks you’ve got an endless phonebook of girls on the hook. Your days are always booked and there’s always some work/event/outing/social gathering. Her assumption may or may not be true but that’s the vibe she picks up on. She thinks you talk to her the same way you talk to everyone and you’re especially seductive when it comes to girls. You’ve got a charming personality - you come across as ‘easy to talk to’ and people feel comfortable talking to you, she’s no different. After all…she did meet up with you, didn’t she?
It’s flattering isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want the persona of being a ladies man? Who wouldn’t want the reputation of being the charming player? It really is a great compliment. It’s a nice boost to the ego, yea?
Give it a second thought. To you, you’re no different any another guy. Your perspectives might be a little different, but your actions are simply mediocre to you. You talk to everyone just the same and you’re indifferent to the pressures of upholding a certain image because you are the evolved male. You put your pants on one leg at a time just like any other guy. You brush your teeth, shave your face (among other areas) and check out girls just like any other guy. You’re really not that special. With that being said…what is it that makes you the ‘player-type’ in her eyes?
Being the evolved male, you’re immediately humbled by her ‘compliment.’ You, being the evolved male, also give it a second thought and realize…maybe it’s not all on you and it really isn’t all that flattering.
It’s no secret that well presented and confident people are naturally attractive. They have a certain appeal that stands out and a certain aura that captures attention. Of course, girls are attracted to guys who have the aforementioned attributes but there’s a certain irony - when they do meet a guy like that, their alarms go off. When they meet a guy who’s a bit different (for the better, of course), there are second thoughts about this kind of person. Why?
Every person has certain expectations that other people have to meet before they are labelled as ‘accepted.’ Of course, girls have these same expectations for guys - these expectations are especially important to know when meeting someone new. Each girl’s expectation is different based on her own experiences and values. Sadly, after meeting so many ‘average frustrated chumps,’ girls have a certain idea of guys who won’t meet their expectations, it’s almost like a pre-emptive assumption….the really sad part is when they meet someone who does meet or exceed their expectations, they’re surprised!
You’re not like those other average chumps who have failed in her past. You’re not that jerk who brags about how much money he has or how successful he is to overcompensate for his many failures with other girls. You’re not the timid wimp with the personality of a chair. You’re not the pothead who talks about smoking weed everyday, although in moderation, it’s certainly not a bad thing. You’re not the pretty-boy who clearly spent more time on his hair than she did. You’re not the try-hard who’s a different person in front of different people. You’re not the phony who talks ‘ghetto’ despite the fact that you’re clearly brought up in a well-to-do family. No - you’re certainly not any of these average frustrated chumps.
What you are…is something different to her. Just remember, the moment you meet her, even before you start talking, she’s already judging you and comparing you to other guys. And when you stand out from the norm, it’s too different to be immediately ‘acceptable.’ So girls go on with their thoughts, analyzing you every step of the way -‘How is this happening so naturally? He’s not creeping me out. He’s not awkward. He carries himself well and he’s confident without being a douchebag. Wow…he’s paying attention to what I’m saying! He’s only checked out my boobs once! How is this guy able to build my interest so quickly? Why am I suddenly so drawn to him?’ ….Because most previous encounters have been bad/failures/awkward, girls are surprised by a guy who has it in check.
Then…naturally being skeptical, they try to figure it out: ‘OHHH EMM GEEE (OMG), he must do this all the time, that’s why it’s so easy. He must be a player!’
And suddenly, all the good things that were appealing before may be held against us - all the good things that drew her to you are questioned by her. That which starts sweet, ends bitter….or does it?
Gentleman, take this challenge as a sincere form of flattery. Show her that you are the evolved male and better than the average chumps she has encountered. Know that you have already peaked her interest. Know that the ebb and flow of this game we call ‘relationships’ has begun, and it is a cruel and exciting journey….know all of this to be true, because..why else would she have given you a second thought?
Why did it sound familiar? (part 2):
So in the last entry, I was discussed miscommunication. I say one thing, I mean another, you interpret something totally different. This happens because of my assumption: when I communicate my idea to you, you will interpret it exactly as I thought you would.
People make this mistake time and time again because they what they’re doing makes sense to THEM. It’s repeated over and over because they don’t understand attraction.
Think about this: you have a friend, you like them, you want to make them like you. What do you do? Of course, you do something nice for them, so they’ll like you more!
Conversely, if there is a person that you are attracted to romantically but he/she doesn’t feel the same for you, and you do nice things for him/her because you want her to like you more. It will not help the situation - it will likely make things worse. He/she will likely distance him/herself from you. People think that they ABSOLUTELY NEED to communicate when they like a person, as if that’s a natural part of the necessary process of building the relationship.
For most people (the ones that don’t understand this miscommunication), it’s pictured like this:
I like you -> I tell you -> You like me too. Idealistic, yea? Realistic, maybe.
In a more likely scenario:
I like you -> You think of me as a friend -> I tell you I like you -> Your view of me as a friend changes -> You feel uncomfortable around me -> I have a snowball’s chance in hell with you now
Newton’s 3rd law of motion states: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Building a relationship is the same. If you do something nice for someone you like, and they like you too, of course they’ll do something nice for you. If you confess your emotional attraction to someone who likes you too, you guys will be just fine. However, if they don’t feel the same, it’s gonna be an opposite reaction. If you tell them you like them a little, they might feel a little awkward and might shy away for a little while until you guys work things out. If you confess your undying, unmoving, unconditional love for them….you can be sure they’ll think you’re an undying, unmoving, unconditional creep. Using science to explain relationships - YEA, THAT JUST HAPPENED!
So if you’re in a situation where you’re not sure whether the person likes you or not, DO NOT GET HEAVY WITH HIM/HER. Do not create that changing point in the relationship.
Don’t buy a gift or a write a love letter. Don’t send roses or call 3 times a day. And don’t confess your love for him/her.
If you want to know how he/she feels about you, use signals from him/her to find out how he/she feels! And if you don’t know how to create and read those signals, then LEARN and BETTER yourself. Don’t do the same thing over and over…then ask yourself what you’re doing wrong.
Why did it sound so familiar? (part 1):
I’m firm believer that communication is one of the most important things in life; without proper communication, life is just a whole lot more complicated - that, my friend, is one of my IDEAS.
It’s interesting to see how people communicate. Conversely, it’s just as much interesting to see how people miscommunicate. We think that because we want to communicate a message to others, they are naturally going to understand what we’re trying to say.
I’ll give you an example (and I know that you’ve come across this). It’s that guy who drives his car recklessly fast. The guy that has the car with the wheels that are more expensive than the car itself. The guy with the car with the stereo blasting loud obnoxious music….and on top of all that, he’s got a muffler that amplifies the painful sound of a struggling stock motor.
What is he trying to communicate to others? How do others perceive what he’s trying to communicate? I’m quite sure what he’s trying to communicate and what others think are 2 totally different things - there’s a certain disconnect here. Social interaction is the same thing - I say one thing, I mean another, and you interpret something totally different.
If you do something to let a guy/girl know how you feel but he/she isn’t attracted to you, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
You’ve triggered his/her defenses. And once you’ve triggered it, he/she will start behaving differently.
So why would he/she feel defensive if you were being honest and upfront with your emotions?
Once you tell a person how you feel, you have create a changing point in the relationship. Up until that changing point, you were just another friend. You were harmless. Now that you’ve starting pursuing the next level in the relationship, you’ve created a tension because he/she doesn’t have reciprocating feelings. You’ve created a shift of emotion that is very uncomfortable. You’ve trigger an emotion that is repulsive and repelling. Keep in mind that the aforementioned applies if the other person DOES NOT have mutual emotional attachment to you.
You can’t make a person like you or change how he/she feels about you by doing nice things for him/her. Doing nice things for a person who isn’t attracted to you hurts your chances.
Sam took a few seconds to take in what was said and replied ‘Thank you…but I’m afraid we’ll ruin what we have, I really treasure what we have.’
This confused Chris even more - Chris had no idea how to take it, dumbfounded and floored by Sam’s response.
Did it mean that Sam had the same feelings but was afraid of something?
Did it mean that Sam wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship?
Did it mean that Sam didn’t have the same feelings but was trying to give a hint?
Did it mean that Chris hadn’t tried hard enough?
Did it mean that Chris needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let Sam know?
Chris couldn’t go on like this anymore…something had to happen. Chris had to make sure that Sam was aware by buying a symbolic gift and writing a letter, again expressing the feelings that dwelled within.
And then the unthinkable happened.
Sam didn’t reply - Sam disappeared for a few days.
Chris called a few days before getting in touch. Sam made an excuse about being busy and said ‘I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go’ and hung up.
…but Chris never got a call back.
This is the end of the story. Sound familiar? Now think about this, was Chris the guy or the girl? Was Sam the guy or the girl?
Is it still a familiar story?
Why did it sound familiar?
Once upon a time, Chris was very attracted to Sam. At first, Sam was just another person…but the more Chris got to know Sam, the more Chris began to feel attracted to Sam…and the more time Chris spent with Sam, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for Sam.
But there was a small problem - as Chris’ emotions grew stronger, Chris also grew more and more insecure.
Because Chris wasn’t sure if Sam felt the same way.
Sometimes, Sam would say things like ‘You’re special’ and ‘I like you’ but it seemed to never go past the friendship stage. Sometimes, there was a hug, or a light kiss on the cheek, or even an ‘accidental’ bumping of the hips…but Chris felt there was something wrong. Sam didn’t seem like a person who was ‘falling in love’ - Sam was just acting like a friend.
The insecurity became worse - Chris was more and more afraid of ‘messing things up’ by wanting more out of the relationship. And the more Chris became afraid, the ‘busier’ Sam got and spent less time with Chris.
After giving it much thought, Chris figured that if Sam knew how Chris truly felt, Sam would feel the same way. So Chris took a leap and told Sam about the feelings that were within…
I don’t have a gray stripe of fur down my back, nor do I have a mane. I’m not an alpha male.
Wait…I’m not a gorilla or a lion - I guess I still could be alpha.
It’s okay to be motivated by sex. There are lots of good things about sex. Endorphins are released. Stress levels goes down. You burn calories. The positives are endless. It’s also pretty much against your will.
Males have a natural tendency to mate with as many females as possible so as to ‘plant their seed’ and have many offspring. Now, am I condoning this behavior? Certainly not. Just Google image search ‘fail’ and you’ll find many examples of people who shouldn’t procreate. The point is that males, through no fault of their own and through centuries of evolution, are trained to mate with as many females as possible so as to ensure that the progeny continues to carry forward healthy genes.
On the other hand, females are to seek out that one good guy, the breadwinner, the guy that’ll take care of her offspring. The guy who’ll protect his family at all costs. The guy who is supportive, loving, and caring for his counter-part and his offspring.
She needs one guy to take care of her and her offspring. He needs many girls to satisfy his biological urges.
Does that seem fair?
There are few things that are more motivating than sex. Of course there are other things that motivate us to do what we do…but sex is probably the most interesting one. It’s also the one we spend the most time adhering to. Seriously - think about it.
Are you done? Still not convinced? How many hours have you spent at the gym? How many times do you consider denying yourself the pleasures of ‘unhealthy’ foods? How many hours have you spent in front of the mirror? How much money have you spent on skin care products? How about make up? How about hair care products?
The answer to all of the previous is probably ‘countless.’ But that’s okay! No need to feel guilty or ashamed. No one will hold it against you for wanting to better yourself so that you can attract a partner. In fact, I think we should encourage it. In an age where we encourage people to be who they want to be, do what they want to do, say what they want to say - why not encourage them to do who they want to do?
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs illustrates the things that drive human motivation. Each one of us is motivated by needs. Our most basic needs are inborn, having evolved over tens of thousands of years. We must satisfy each need in turn, starting with the bottommost, which deals with the most obvious needs for survival itself.
Where does sex fall into all this? Yep, right there at the basic level (bottom) with the other physiological stuff we need to survive.